THEN HOW COME I SUCK AT STUDYING AND SUCK AT TAKING STANDARDIZED TESTS?
THEN HOW COME I SUCK AT STUDYING AND SUCK AT TAKING STANDARDIZED TESTS?
If I told you, I wouldn’t be anonymous anymore now would I? ;)
So this weekend was definitely an interesting one.
Last week I went to Disney for the first time with my High School Choir and it was awesome! But, I’m honestly way too tired right now to tell you everything so I’ll save that for another blog, haha! :P
This weekend I went to my old friend and another old friend’s surprise sweet 16! It was awesome! I danced the wholeee night! Like no joke, I probably only stopped for a full 15 minutes tops the entire night! I just love to dance so I couldn’t stop! haha!
But it was really interesting to see so many people from my old school there because I had not seen them since 8th grade! (2 years ago) It was so weird but awesome! I don’t know how to explain what I felt but it was epic!
Before the party I went over to my “old” best friend’s house because she lived close to the venue where the party was going to be held. I also slept over her house that night and we ended up talking and hanging out for 3 hours! I honestly don’t know how I did it because I was soooooooo tired when I got back to her house! But we always have so much to talk about and catch up on so it was worth it haha! We ended up reading each other our fanfictions lol!!!
But on to a different topic….
Today was mother’s day and it was kinda weird. I sent my mom a card on Friday and she received it yesterday (Saturday). It was a simple funny card with a picture of a baby and a gorilla in a crib and on the inside it said “Happy Mother’s Day from my brother and I.”
During the day though, I didn’t talk to my mom… I just hung out at my house after my dad picked me up from my friend’s house. I was really interesting driving to my friend’s house and back because she lived so close to my old house. On the way back my Dad and I stopped at this Bagel place that we always used to go to before school when he used to drive me from his house. It was really strange to see the changes in the Bagel place and yet seeing that the place was still just as busy; without me. I mean, I know it will go on without me but it’s still just weird, ya know? I felt almost like an outsider there when I used to know everyone there so well that the lady knew what I was going to order! I bet she didn’t even recognize me this morning when I order the same thing that I always did (though they didn’t have it available).
Before we got to my house, we stopped by Dad’s house to pick up some things. It turns out that dad is thinking about renting out the other basement as well! This apartment would have to be shared with someone he know though cause it’s not separate like the other one is… I don’t want him to do it because I always used to go down there and hang out with my step sister and stuff and we already changed my step sister’s old room. I feel like this is the last place that we really hung out in and I don’t want my dad to make it into separate rooms and stuff! It’s just sad… I guess I’m just bad with change though… I don’t like it.. :/
But anyway, at my house my grandparents, my dad, and my aunt (the other one, not the one I live with haha!) came over to celebrate Mother’s day for brunch! It was so cute and I got to show everyone the pictures I took at Disney! I also gave Aunt Chloe a mother’s day card for aunts and I added cute scrapbook stickers to it and stuff! She cried as usual.. haha! She is so cute! :3
However, I did end up calling my mom later on today (like 4 or something) and we talked for a little…. it mostly consisted of my basically bragging about all of the awesome stuff I have been doing…. Okay, so I know that sounds mean, but I was subtly showing her how much my aunt and my uncle are doing for me! Because if I was still living with her, I would not have done ANY of the amazing things I have gotten to do living with my aunt and my uncle. I know I sound bratty, but it’s true!!! *pouts*
Anyway, I’ll try to make an update soon about the Disney trip but right now I’m wayyyy too tired and my neck hurrttssss grrrr! haha!
Well, goodnight!! :D
Okay so it has become pretty obvious that this whole blogging thing is pretty much semi-annual… but whatever.
Anyway so idk what the hell I last posted so sorry if I repeat stuff… lol
Quick summary, my brother is in a different type of half-way house because he is living with a bunch of other recovering drug addicts and the person that runs the place stops by every weekend to make sure everything’s okay. So besides that, he’s pretty much on his own; not to mention that he is living an hour away but eh…
So on to what I wanted to write about…
Today I took and passed my written permit test! Now all I have to do is do my 6 hours and I can practice driving on the actual road! Woo!!!! However, I wasn’t as omgomgomgomgomg as I thought I was going to be… don’t get me wrong though, I’m pretty freaking happy! But I think that this is such a big and prominent step in the fact that I am truly growing up into an adult and that scares the shit out of me. I can’t believe that the school year is almost over… I mean, It feels like I was just celebrating Christmas! I just can’t believe that the little gang I had hanging in front of my locker last year when I was a new little freshman has evolved from just me and two friends, to friends of friends of friends of friends and now there is a huge crowd of people hanging out every morning. But the fact that our little group grew doesn’t bother me… It’s the fact that the two friends that I started to hang out in front of my locker with are now going to be graduating in a few months. I will miss the ever-growing crowd and the original three of us laughing about how crazy it is now. We won’t even be able to do that because there will only be me left. I will be in the same grade as those two friends were when I started high school just a year ago! I’m going to be what I still believe them to be; my big junior friends that I love so much. Ugh, I don’t know… It just scared me, that’s all.
It was just last marking period before our chorus winter concert that one of the two friends (let’s call her Christine) was showing me an anime she liked, Durarara!! and now… I don’t know it seems so resent but so far away at the same time… I just am going to miss both of them so much. I am going to miss going to A/V club with Christine and GSA with both her and the other friend (let’s call him Ty). I’m just… it’s… it’s just going too fast…
Well, I might add on to this later cause I’m super tired and I’m supposed to be in bed right now so night!
My brother is never coming back. He just keeps on relapsing and screwing us over by steeling anything he can get his hands on and sell it for his precious drugs. When ever I’m with him, I just want to hang out with him and play some video games; that’s all I want to do. I just want to hang out with him and when we are together and he acts as himself, he just seems like such a good person; like the person we was when he was younger and when we played video games and hung out. When we used to wrestle and he used to get mad at my for hanging out with him when his friends were there, when he let me hang out with him and his friends. But now I’m truly beginning to realize that the brother I used to hang out with and love is dead. My real brother is dead and the only thing left of him is the demon inside of him created by the addiction. There is no hope and there is no solution. He is simply dead. I love you, ____ R.I.P.
I don’t know why but I think I’m actually starting to really stop and think about everything. I think the shock is finally starting to wear off.
School is starting soon so I guess I was just starting to realize how fast my life is going and how afraid I am of growing up and letting the world and time push me along my life. Instead I feel like trying to dig my feet into the ground and shove themoff my back.
I don’t really know what to say anymore so I will just type up this little note/poem/confusing thing my mind wrote.
"Sometimes I sit and wonder why I reflect on the past, when my present is so bright. But now a year and a half has gone by and that fact scares the crap out of me.
I’m scared of growing up, and I’m scared of change.
Because my present is now so normal to me, and the shock is finally wearing off, I’m scared of moving on and I’m scared of who I’ll become.
And sometimes I wonder why I even think such things when life is so great, but I just can’t seem to find the answer.
I feel that life is going by too fast and I see myself clinging onto the younder me when, like a child or a bird, I need to let go.
So why? Why do I sit and wonder “why?” when life is so good?
That; I don’t know.”
I really don’t know what the hell is going on in my mind right now so sorry if this whole post makes no sense… I just don’t know.
EDIT: After I wrote this post I call my brother and talked to him… then I talked to my Aunt and I had a mental breakdown… God I think my hormones are going freaking insane… O_O
Okay so i am in such a dazed mood at the moment so excuse me if my sentences run on or if you have no idea what i’m saying.
I just got back from going to a 2NE1 concert that my friend brought me to (it’s 1:13 AM). 2NE1 is a Korean pop band that was having their first world tour.
I honestly don’t know what to write at the moment because i just can’t believe that I actually saw them in concert, AND not only that, but I got to my first stadium concert and meet a lot of cool people!
I have no voice right now because I just let myself be free and scream, whip my hair, jump, fist pump, fangirl, and cry.
I am seriously just sitting on my bed typing this blog entry and after every paragraph I make, I just stop typing and just stare at my hands in awe. I am just so grateful to be able to go to concert, scream my lungs out, and just be with my friend (and her mom haha!).
I tried to scream and shout and dance and jump as much as I could at this concert because I could. I wanted to remember every moment of the concert and I wanted to cherish that feeling of letting go and dancing and screaming to my favorite songs for one of my favorite bands!
There were times when I just could not understand how I got here and the fact that I was really at this concert, with blasting music everywhere, and having fun with everyone else!
Not only would I never have had this opportunity if I was still living with my mom but, even if I did have this chance to go when I lived with my mom, if this was 3 years ago, I would have declined in invitation because of my (ex)-fear of loud noises and crowds, and chaos.
I have come so far from where I was 3 years ago that sometimes I forgot how I was; sometimes I forget how scared I was about everything and sometimes I forget how I used to live, scared and with no one to help me shine.
The fact that I can do things that teenagers do like, going to concerts, visiting NYC on the weekends, and having people that really want and encourage me to bloom into the girl I am destined to be, is something that I could never put into words.
I don’t know how this all happened, and i don’t really believe in “higher powers” making people do things or deciding how people will live, but all I know is that I am so exceedingly lucky to have the things I have now. Whetherit be going to concerts, doing normal teenage things, having people to help me and guide me to being the best I can be, or just having an amazing friend that I can always count on, I will always appreciate these things I have in life, even if I forget to at times.
So I know this is late, but I just found this on my dad’s computer screen:
"(My Aunts and Uncles names have been taken out) hope you’re all having a great time at Amanda’s engagement party. I hope you guys are now telling mom and dad the truth, that things will never be good between me and that part of the family again. from what he says to me you all must be lying to him. As far as I’m concerned, That part of the family can go fuck themselves, including Amanda. So I will tell him the truth since no one else is.
Chloe, you haven’t gotten back to me with a guest list to James’s graduation party. If I am not good enough to attend family functions then here are the options: I will show up and tell everyone what I think, and most likely get thrown out… you won’t invite those involved like (My cousins names have been taken out) or don’t invite me, just like today.
Personally, I am glad those involved have now shown their true colors so I don’t have to be around phonies anymore. Since I am blackballed from the family I really don’t have much else to lose, so speaking my mind can do me no worse. I will however be hiring an attorney when the time comes to deal with their estate, since I really feel I cannot trust my siblings and family to communicate in a non judgmental, non biased manner. This confirmed by the lack of communications that has recently gone on and the fact that I have never been included in any of the financial decisions you have made together concerning our parents.
Chloe, Although I don’t have much respect for (my step brother), Your terminology about (my step brother) is wrong, he is not a predator. Most of what went on was when they were both juveniles, experimenting, even James’s attorney concurred this with me and noted that she handles cases like this frequently, and if it were not for the 30 days over 4 year difference in age there would have be NO case. She also indicated that if this had gone to trial (my step brother) would have most likely gotten off. James has freely admitted to his attorney that most all of what happened was consensual, he seems to tell you a different view of it, one that is deep, dark and terrible. Perhaps he won’t tell you the other side of it because he is embarrassed, it won’t incur pity and all the attention he is now getting, and he wouldn’t be able to blame his shitty deceitful past behaviors on anyone but himself (sounds a lot like his mom). Even his attorney told me that from their conversations James has many problems whose cause had nothing to do with (my step brother). Like I have said from the beginning, of the main focus of James’s problems are on what happened between (my step brother) and James, many of James’s problems will be overlooked and thus not dealt with. I am the only one that is not doing that.
I love both of my kids like most any father and have done many things for them.I respectfully disagree with the family that I am abandoning my children and more interested in my house then they. I will not be blind to the action of my children just because they are my kids…
I’ll send this to James too, I have nothing to hid and the truth will set me free. If James truly believes this he will understand and feel free to question me about anything I have written.
Oh, one last thing, if you’re wondering why I would be taking the time to write this, well, again don’t judge me until you have walked in my shoes. look where you all are with my children and where I am. how would you feel and what would you do. . I don’t think I’ll be reading anything that is sent to me, so if you have anything to say relating to this email you can say it to my face sometime, or not, I really don’t care since I’m not expecting anyone to understand me. . I’m sorry it has come to this but it is what it is.”
(You don’t really have to read all of that and I don’t expect you to, but in summery it just says that my father is not being treated correctly by his family and now he is saying that “they could all go fuck themselves.”)
When I read this I was shocked. I mean, I knew that my father and his family didn’t get along because of the whole step-brother molestation thing, but I did know how far it went. This message was from May 20th and it really made my stomach hurt to read. I can’t believe how rude and crazy my father would be to his own family, and I never knew how bad his family treated him. I have to believe that they are both at fault here because they are both taking this and are tearing their own family apart. I just don’t understand why a family would ruin such a loving family with so many memories over what happened years ago. I mean, I understand that the situation was very traumatic and caused my family a lot of problems, but it shouldn’t break up the whole family.
Anyway, I have some other stuff to talk about since I’m in the writing mood. My brother has been in a Florida rehab center for about 4 months. I believe that he is clean now, but I can never trust him. I just can’t get my hopes up. And speaking about getting my hopes up, he missed his curfew twice in the half-way house and now he is driving home from Florida as I type this. The first time his meeting ran late; alright whatever at least it’s not drugs, but the second time my brother had the brilliant idea to drive two of his “friends” from the rehab who were convicts somewhere about 40 miles away. And of course, they robbed him and left him in the middle of who knows where. My brother is really bad at directions and since they stole his phone, he did have any GPS or anything. So when he tried to get back home and he ran out of gas somewhere in Florida, a cop gave him enough to get back home but by this time it was 2 o’clock in the morning and so he was kicked out of the half-way house. Yup, he screwed up again, and you know what? I’m not surprised, even though everyone else is. y family needs to learn the hard way that you should never get your hopes up when it comes to my brother because he will always let you down without fail. You just need to accept that and not expect anything more.
But I can’t write anymore because I’m getting too upset, see ya. Thanks for listening tumblr, even though I don’t expect anyone to read this. :/
A/N: This was a memoir I had to write for school. I haven’t blogged in a long time because I have been waiting for this to be done. However, it has been done for a while now but you guys might have noticed that I blog months apart.
Anyway, keep in mind that every name in this memoir is not real in order to keep this blog anonymous. Thank you and if you are actually going to read this, then you’re awesome!! :D
On November 20th, 2011 I was supposed to hang out with my brother, James. He goes to ___________ University and I had not seen him in quite some time, or at least it had felt like it. James tends to not stick with the plans he makes and lately it was really pissing me off. He called me at 3:30 and said that he was just leaving our grandparent’s house. So I didn’t make any plans and waited for him.
At around 5 o’clock I called him and told him how fed up I was with his constant ditching. He told me that he went to our Aunt Kim’s house (who has parental custody of him) and said that he would be at my house soon. Why was he there? I have no idea, and I was getting really agitated.
He finally came over at around 6 o’clock and then we hung out for about a half an hour and watched some anime. I really missed him and I tried to get as much time as I could with my brother alone to just hang out for once. I knew that James had wasted a lot of our hanging out time and I wanted to use up all that was left of it because later on we would be hanging out with our dad.
After watching the anime, Hetalia, we went back to our grandparent’s house, which made no sense to me since James was just there about an hour before. My dad had just gotten there as well and we all eat dinner. I really wanted to hang out with just James but I was starting to understand that this was not going to happen.
After our meal, when we were hanging out and watching the telly, my brother suddenly got up out of his seat. “Hey, dad! Can I go to Josh’s house for a couple minutes? I haven’t seen him in forever!” This friend of his had been a druggie in the past and I still believed him to be.
“James! I really wanted to hang out with you! I waited for you all day and you’re going to just ditch me again? What the hell?!” I chimed in before my father could say anything.
A flicker of guilt flashed upon in his otherwise pleading expression and I was happy to see that he still had some of the conscious he once obtained so much of.
About an hour had passed and he wasn’t back. My father received a text message from James, stating that he “was sick on the toilet,” to which my father replied, “TMI.” However, my father had some serious suspicions. My brother, James has been known for being a compulsive liar and a drug addict. He has even stolen from my grandparents. So, knowing this, we got in the car and drove to his friend’s house to see my brother’s car not in the driveway.
Shuffling in my pocket, I found my phone and called him. “James, are you on your way back?”
“Yeah, I’m walking out the door now,” he explained. I knew now for sure that he was lying again. I really thought he was done with this stuff and I wasn’t happy to find out that this was starting all over again. My dad walked up to the door and rang the doorbell while I waited in the car. A younger sibling of Josh answered.
“Hey, was James here?”
“No…” The kid looked confused.
“Well, is Josh here?”
“He hasn’t been here all night.” My father, grinding his teeth, walked back to the car.This was the last straw. I was pissed. I wanted to punch something, anything! I wanted to kick and scream and yell; but I didn’t of course. Instead, I clenched my fists and breathed heavily, controlling myself. My father and I looked at each other through the dimly lit car, and we knew; we knew this was the day when everything changed.
“Hey guys! How was it?” My uncle Robby welcomed us as we walked in.
“Good,” I mumbled as I took off my jacket and hung it up in the closet.
My father sat at the little bar in my kitchen while James and I stood facing him. The tension was thick in the air as my father eyed James and Uncle Robby could sense it.“James,” my father started after looking at me and knowing that I didn’t know what to say, “where were you tonight? You weren’t at Josh’s house because we drove there and Josh hasn’t even been there all night.”
Doby’s house. Doby’s house. This was not good. Doby is one of James’s old friends from our old town. I never liked that kid for he was always high and even told me that I would be funny high. For one of James’s friends to tell me that I would be funny high is just unacceptable! My brother of course, agreed with me there, but he still hung out with him and he was one of his best friends!
“Why couldn’t you just say that?!” My father spat.
“Because you wouldn’t have let me go!” James flailed his arms, panicking.
“You’re right about that! I’m so f*#&in’ sick of you lying to me! The other day at college when I said that Amber had a conscience and you didn’t is completely true! You had no F*#&in’ RIGHT to get mad at me for saying that!”
“Hey! Adam, we don’t use that kind of language in this house. I know you might talk like that in your house, but this is my house and in my house we don’t use that type of language!” My Uncle Robby informed, getting up out of his seat.
“Sorry,” grumbled my father.
My aunt, who was indulged in a good book, came downstairs to see what was going on. Just by looking at everyone, and by feeling the tension and disappointment that was think in the air, she knew exactly what had happened and sat quietly on the stairs.
My father’s words hung in the air while James slowly absorbed them. I looked at him, his face was so troubled. I wanted to hug him at slap him at the same time. I couldn’t take this anymore! Why was he always doing this? And why now? He was so happy the last couple of months!
Tears welled up in my eyes and my uncle uncle approached me with open arms. I always find hugging my uncle comforting because his big belly makes him feel like a big stuffed bear. But, as they say, when one in need hugs someone, it triggers the tears. And that is exactly what happened.
The amount of pain I suddenly felt was overwhelming and my emotions were so strong. All I could do is sob as my uncle barked at my brother, “You see what you’re doing to this family? Do you see what you’re putting your little sister through? She’s supposed to look up to you!”
“I-I never did!” I choked in my uncle’s arms. And the second I said it, I wish I could have taken it back because that sentence; that one sentence hit James right through the heart. Now he too started to have a steady stream of tears traveling down his face.
“I know! You shouldn’t look up to me! I’m a drug addict and a liar! I’ve been such a bad brother! I…..I’m just like John!” James started backing away and stumbled into a chair.John is my mother’s brother that I haven’t spoken to in years. He is where my brother and I get our addictive genes. He is a drug addict and lives a very poor life without his only child. His child was taken away from him about two years ago.
“He’s not back yet.” I worried, looking out into the distance. Aunt Chloe walked over to me and I turned to her. “We have to go see if he’s okay,” I exclaimed.
We got into the car a few minutes later and drove down the street. Instead of finding James hanging from a tree, we found him sitting against one. He inhaled the cancer from his cigarette and exhaled deeply, the smoke almost like the frost one’s breath makes in the dead of winter.
Just as I got out of the car, another car pulled up next to James and his girlfriend walked out of the passenger seat as her mother parked on the side of the road.
Did he really call his girlfriend and asked her to pick him up? Was he really not going to tell us? What did he expect us to do when we came to check up on him to find no one there?
Aunt Chloe was furious, “Get in the car now, James. You are not going with Kate.”
James ignored her as Kate got James up and embraced him in a hug. I walked towards them and James quickly handed Kate something. “This is all I have left,” he mumbled, his voice raspy.
Kate threw what James had given her down the sewer swiftly and came rushing back to him.
“You’re not going with Kate!” Aunt Chloe exclaimed.
“He clearly can’t even look at us Aunt Chloe! How the hell is he supposed to sleep in the same house as us tonight?!” I argued.“James, your Aunt is right,” Kate’s mom chimed in walking towards us.
After a long and hard battle, Kate and her mom drove away. Sobs from both my brother and his girlfriend echoed in my head.
I hugged James as he shook and my aunt came up to me, “You should walk James back home,” she muttered and then walked back to the car and drove away.
My brother, who was shaking so much it was almost like seizures, walked down the street with me at his side keeping him from falling over. He was wasted; so wasted I was surprised that he could speak. This couldn’t have been from just Ambians, but I tried to convince myself otherwise. He stumbled for words. He was crying still as he tried to tell me something.“Amber!” he stopped dead in his stacks, tears running down his face.
The rest of the walk was silent for the most part. However, he kept on exclaiming that he couldn’t tell anyone because he couldn’t go to Rehab again. I wasn’t sure why though.
We both just walked down the street with only the stars and the occasional street lights to guide us. I had to steady James the whole walk home because he couldn’t walk. However, when we got to the doorstep, James turned to me. His pupils were so small. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I didn’t think a person’s eyes could even get so tiny!
With his eyelids threatening to consume him into sleep. He put his hand on my shoulder. “Amber,” he exclaimed, “I have spoken to people whose siblings have done Heroin. And either he or she is in jail, nowhere to be found, or dead.” He swallowed hard. “I don’t want that to be you. I want to be the brother you can look up to.”
I took this in slowly. This is really happening to my brother. He is using Heroin. “I don’t want to you die, James.” I held back tears, and to try to lighten things up I said, “Well, not to be selfish… but it’s kind of good that this happened in a way. I mean like, I’m never going to do drugs now!” I laughed and so did he.
“Yeah, Amber… I know. At least some good can come out of this.”
I turned away and opened the door. I quickly helped James upstairs exclaiming, “James is just really tired, I’m going to get him to bed.”
I turned away and opened the door. I quickly helped James upstairs exclaiming, “James is just really tired, I’m going to get him to bed.”