So this weekend was definitely an interesting one.
Last week I went to Disney for the first time with my High School Choir and it was awesome! But, I’m honestly way too tired right now to tell you everything so I’ll save that for another blog, haha! :P
This weekend I went to my old friend and another old friend’s surprise sweet 16! It was awesome! I danced the wholeee night! Like no joke, I probably only stopped for a full 15 minutes tops the entire night! I just love to dance so I couldn’t stop! haha!
But it was really interesting to see so many people from my old school there because I had not seen them since 8th grade! (2 years ago) It was so weird but awesome! I don’t know how to explain what I felt but it was epic!
Before the party I went over to my “old” best friend’s house because she lived close to the venue where the party was going to be held. I also slept over her house that night and we ended up talking and hanging out for 3 hours! I honestly don’t know how I did it because I was soooooooo tired when I got back to her house! But we always have so much to talk about and catch up on so it was worth it haha! We ended up reading each other our fanfictions lol!!!
But on to a different topic….
Today was mother’s day and it was kinda weird. I sent my mom a card on Friday and she received it yesterday (Saturday). It was a simple funny card with a picture of a baby and a gorilla in a crib and on the inside it said “Happy Mother’s Day from my brother and I.”
During the day though, I didn’t talk to my mom… I just hung out at my house after my dad picked me up from my friend’s house. I was really interesting driving to my friend’s house and back because she lived so close to my old house. On the way back my Dad and I stopped at this Bagel place that we always used to go to before school when he used to drive me from his house. It was really strange to see the changes in the Bagel place and yet seeing that the place was still just as busy; without me. I mean, I know it will go on without me but it’s still just weird, ya know? I felt almost like an outsider there when I used to know everyone there so well that the lady knew what I was going to order! I bet she didn’t even recognize me this morning when I order the same thing that I always did (though they didn’t have it available).
Before we got to my house, we stopped by Dad’s house to pick up some things. It turns out that dad is thinking about renting out the other basement as well! This apartment would have to be shared with someone he know though cause it’s not separate like the other one is… I don’t want him to do it because I always used to go down there and hang out with my step sister and stuff and we already changed my step sister’s old room. I feel like this is the last place that we really hung out in and I don’t want my dad to make it into separate rooms and stuff! It’s just sad… I guess I’m just bad with change though… I don’t like it.. :/
But anyway, at my house my grandparents, my dad, and my aunt (the other one, not the one I live with haha!) came over to celebrate Mother’s day for brunch! It was so cute and I got to show everyone the pictures I took at Disney! I also gave Aunt Chloe a mother’s day card for aunts and I added cute scrapbook stickers to it and stuff! She cried as usual.. haha! She is so cute! :3
However, I did end up calling my mom later on today (like 4 or something) and we talked for a little…. it mostly consisted of my basically bragging about all of the awesome stuff I have been doing…. Okay, so I know that sounds mean, but I was subtly showing her how much my aunt and my uncle are doing for me! Because if I was still living with her, I would not have done ANY of the amazing things I have gotten to do living with my aunt and my uncle. I know I sound bratty, but it’s true!!! *pouts*
Anyway, I’ll try to make an update soon about the Disney trip but right now I’m wayyyy too tired and my neck hurrttssss grrrr! haha!
I'm not a freshman? I'm going to be a Junior in a less than a year?
Okay so it has become pretty obvious that this whole blogging thing is pretty much semi-annual… but whatever.
Anyway so idk what the hell I last posted so sorry if I repeat stuff… lol
Quick summary, my brother is in a different type of half-way house because he is living with a bunch of other recovering drug addicts and the person that runs the place stops by every weekend to make sure everything’s okay. So besides that, he’s pretty much on his own; not to mention that he is living an hour away but eh…
So on to what I wanted to write about…
Today I took and passed my written permit test! Now all I have to do is do my 6 hours and I can practice driving on the actual road! Woo!!!! However, I wasn’t as omgomgomgomgomg as I thought I was going to be… don’t get me wrong though, I’m pretty freaking happy! But I think that this is such a big and prominent step in the fact that I am truly growing up into an adult and that scares the shit out of me. I can’t believe that the school year is almost over… I mean, It feels like I was just celebrating Christmas! I just can’t believe that the little gang I had hanging in front of my locker last year when I was a new little freshman has evolved from just me and two friends, to friends of friends of friends of friends and now there is a huge crowd of people hanging out every morning. But the fact that our little group grew doesn’t bother me… It’s the fact that the two friends that I started to hang out in front of my locker with are now going to be graduating in a few months. I will miss the ever-growing crowd and the original three of us laughing about how crazy it is now. We won’t even be able to do that because there will only be me left. I will be in the same grade as those two friends were when I started high school just a year ago! I’m going to be what I still believe them to be; my big junior friends that I love so much. Ugh, I don’t know… It just scared me, that’s all.
It was just last marking period before our chorus winter concert that one of the two friends (let’s call her Christine) was showing me an anime she liked, Durarara!! and now… I don’t know it seems so resent but so far away at the same time… I just am going to miss both of them so much. I am going to miss going to A/V club with Christine and GSA with both her and the other friend (let’s call him Ty). I’m just… it’s… it’s just going too fast…
Well, I might add on to this later cause I’m super tired and I’m supposed to be in bed right now so night!
My brother is never coming back. He just keeps on relapsing and screwing us over by steeling anything he can get his hands on and sell it for his precious drugs. When ever I’m with him, I just want to hang out with him and play some video games; that’s all I want to do. I just want to hang out with him and when we are together and he acts as himself, he just seems like such a good person; like the person we was when he was younger and when we played video games and hung out. When we used to wrestle and he used to get mad at my for hanging out with him when his friends were there, when he let me hang out with him and his friends. But now I’m truly beginning to realize that the brother I used to hang out with and love is dead. My real brother is dead and the only thing left of him is the demon inside of him created by the addiction. There is no hope and there is no solution. He is simply dead. I love you, ____ R.I.P.
I don’t know why but I think I’m actually starting to really stop and think about everything. I think the shock is finally starting to wear off.
School is starting soon so I guess I was just starting to realize how fast my life is going and how afraid I am of growing up and letting the world and time push me along my life. Instead I feel like trying to dig my feet into the ground and shove themoff my back.
I don’t really know what to say anymore so I will just type up this little note/poem/confusing thing my mind wrote.
"Sometimes I sit and wonder why I reflect on the past, when my present is so bright. But now a year and a half has gone by and that fact scares the crap out of me.
I’m scared of growing up, and I’m scared of change.
Because my present is now so normal to me, and the shock is finally wearing off, I’m scared of moving on and I’m scared of who I’ll become.
And sometimes I wonder why I even think such things when life is so great, but I just can’t seem to find the answer.
I feel that life is going by too fast and I see myself clinging onto the younder me when, like a child or a bird, I need to let go.
So why? Why do I sit and wonder “why?” when life is so good?
That; I don’t know.”
I really don’t know what the hell is going on in my mind right now so sorry if this whole post makes no sense… I just don’t know.
EDIT: After I wrote this post I call my brother and talked to him… then I talked to my Aunt and I had a mental breakdown… God I think my hormones are going freaking insane… O_O
Okay so i am in such a dazed mood at the moment so excuse me if my sentences run on or if you have no idea what i’m saying.
I just got back from going to a 2NE1 concert that my friend brought me to (it’s 1:13 AM). 2NE1 is a Korean pop band that was having their first world tour.
I honestly don’t know what to write at the moment because i just can’t believe that I actually saw them in concert, AND not only that, but I got to my first stadium concert and meet a lot of cool people!
I have no voice right now because I just let myself be free and scream, whip my hair, jump, fist pump, fangirl, and cry.
I am seriously just sitting on my bed typing this blog entry and after every paragraph I make, I just stop typing and just stare at my hands in awe. I am just so grateful to be able to go to concert, scream my lungs out, and just be with my friend (and her mom haha!).
I tried to scream and shout and dance and jump as much as I could at this concert because I could. I wanted to remember every moment of the concert and I wanted to cherish that feeling of letting go and dancing and screaming to my favorite songs for one of my favorite bands!
There were times when I just could not understand how I got here and the fact that I was really at this concert, with blasting music everywhere, and having fun with everyone else!
Not only would I never have had this opportunity if I was still living with my mom but, even if I did have this chance to go when I lived with my mom, if this was 3 years ago, I would have declined in invitation because of my (ex)-fear of loud noises and crowds, and chaos.
I have come so far from where I was 3 years ago that sometimes I forgot how I was; sometimes I forget how scared I was about everything and sometimes I forget how I used to live, scared and with no one to help me shine.
The fact that I can do things that teenagers do like, going to concerts, visiting NYC on the weekends, and having people that really want and encourage me to bloom into the girl I am destined to be, is something that I could never put into words.
I don’t know how this all happened, and i don’t really believe in “higher powers” making people do things or deciding how people will live, but all I know is that I am so exceedingly lucky to have the things I have now. Whetherit be going to concerts, doing normal teenage things, having people to help me and guide me to being the best I can be, or just having an amazing friend that I can always count on, I will always appreciate these things I have in life, even if I forget to at times.
So I know this is late, but I just found this on my dad’s computer screen:
"(My Aunts and Uncles names have been taken out) hope you’re all having a great time at Amanda’s engagement party. I hope you guys are now telling mom and dad the truth, that things will never be good between me and that part of the family again. from what he says to me you all must be lying to him. As far as I’m concerned, That part of the family can go fuck themselves, including Amanda. So I will tell him the truth since no one else is.
Chloe, you haven’t gotten back to me with a guest list to James’s graduation party. If I am not good enough to attend family functions then here are the options: I will show up and tell everyone what I think, and most likely get thrown out… you won’t invite those involved like (My cousins names have been taken out) or don’t invite me, just like today.
Personally, I am glad those involved have now shown their true colors so I don’t have to be around phonies anymore. Since I am blackballed from the family I really don’t have much else to lose, so speaking my mind can do me no worse. I will however be hiring an attorney when the time comes to deal with their estate, since I really feel I cannot trust my siblings and family to communicate in a non judgmental, non biased manner. This confirmed by the lack of communications that has recently gone on and the fact that I have never been included in any of the financial decisions you have made together concerning our parents.
Chloe, Although I don’t have much respect for (my step brother), Your terminology about (my step brother) is wrong, he is not a predator. Most of what went on was when they were both juveniles, experimenting, even James’s attorney concurred this with me and noted that she handles cases like this frequently, and if it were not for the 30 days over 4 year difference in age there would have be NO case. She also indicated that if this had gone to trial (my step brother) would have most likely gotten off. James has freely admitted to his attorney that most all of what happened was consensual, he seems to tell you a different view of it, one that is deep, dark and terrible. Perhaps he won’t tell you the other side of it because he is embarrassed, it won’t incur pity and all the attention he is now getting, and he wouldn’t be able to blame his shitty deceitful past behaviors on anyone but himself (sounds a lot like his mom). Even his attorney told me that from their conversations James has many problems whose cause had nothing to do with (my step brother). Like I have said from the beginning, of the main focus of James’s problems are on what happened between (my step brother) and James, many of James’s problems will be overlooked and thus not dealt with. I am the only one that is not doing that.
I love both of my kids like most any father and have done many things for them.I respectfully disagree with the family that I am abandoning my children and more interested in my house then they. I will not be blind to the action of my children just because they are my kids…
I’ll send this to James too, I have nothing to hid and the truth will set me free. If James truly believes this he will understand and feel free to question me about anything I have written.
Oh, one last thing, if you’re wondering why I would be taking the time to write this, well, again don’t judge me until you have walked in my shoes. look where you all are with my children and where I am. how would you feel and what would you do. . I don’t think I’ll be reading anything that is sent to me, so if you have anything to say relating to this email you can say it to my face sometime, or not, I really don’t care since I’m not expecting anyone to understand me. . I’m sorry it has come to this but it is what it is.”
(You don’t really have to read all of that and I don’t expect you to, but in summery it just says that my father is not being treated correctly by his family and now he is saying that “they could all go fuck themselves.”) When I read this I was shocked. I mean, I knew that my father and his family didn’t get along because of the whole step-brother molestation thing, but I did know how far it went. This message was from May 20th and it really made my stomach hurt to read. I can’t believe how rude and crazy my father would be to his own family, and I never knew how bad his family treated him. I have to believe that they are both at fault here because they are both taking this and are tearing their own family apart. I just don’t understand why a family would ruin such a loving family with so many memories over what happened years ago. I mean, I understand that the situation was very traumatic and caused my family a lot of problems, but it shouldn’t break up the whole family. Anyway, I have some other stuff to talk about since I’m in the writing mood. My brother has been in a Florida rehab center for about 4 months. I believe that he is clean now, but I can never trust him. I just can’t get my hopes up. And speaking about getting my hopes up, he missed his curfew twice in the half-way house and now he is driving home from Florida as I type this. The first time his meeting ran late; alright whatever at least it’s not drugs, but the second time my brother had the brilliant idea to drive two of his “friends” from the rehab who were convicts somewhere about 40 miles away. And of course, they robbed him and left him in the middle of who knows where. My brother is really bad at directions and since they stole his phone, he did have any GPS or anything. So when he tried to get back home and he ran out of gas somewhere in Florida, a cop gave him enough to get back home but by this time it was 2 o’clock in the morning and so he was kicked out of the half-way house. Yup, he screwed up again, and you know what? I’m not surprised, even though everyone else is. y family needs to learn the hard way that you should never get your hopes up when it comes to my brother because he will always let you down without fail. You just need to accept that and not expect anything more. But I can’t write anymore because I’m getting too upset, see ya. Thanks for listening tumblr, even though I don’t expect anyone to read this. :/
A/N: This was a memoir I had to write for school. I haven’t blogged in a long time because I have been waiting for this to be done. However, it has been done for a while now but you guys might have noticed that I blog months apart.
Anyway, keep in mind that every name in this memoir is not real in order to keep this blog anonymous. Thank you and if you are actually going to read this, then you’re awesome!! :D
On November 20th, 2011 I was supposed to hang out with my brother, James. He goes to ___________ University and I had not seen him in quite some time, or at least it had felt like it. James tends to not stick with the plans he makes and lately it was really pissing me off. He called me at 3:30 and said that he was just leaving our grandparent’s house. So I didn’t make any plans and waited for him.
At around 5 o’clock I called him and told him how fed up I was with his constant ditching. He told me that he went to our Aunt Kim’s house (who has parental custody of him) and said that he would be at my house soon. Why was he there? I have no idea, and I was getting really agitated.
He finally came over at around 6 o’clock and then we hung out for about a half an hour and watched some anime. I really missed him and I tried to get as much time as I could with my brother alone to just hang out for once. I knew that James had wasted a lot of our hanging out time and I wanted to use up all that was left of it because later on we would be hanging out with our dad.
After watching the anime, Hetalia, we went back to our grandparent’s house, which made no sense to me since James was just there about an hour before. My dad had just gotten there as well and we all eat dinner. I really wanted to hang out with just James but I was starting to understand that this was not going to happen.
After our meal, when we were hanging out and watching the telly, my brother suddenly got up out of his seat. “Hey, dad! Can I go to Josh’s house for a couple minutes? I haven’t seen him in forever!” This friend of his had been a druggie in the past and I still believed him to be.
“James! I really wanted to hang out with you! I waited for you all day and you’re going to just ditch me again? What the hell?!” I chimed in before my father could say anything.
A flicker of guilt flashed upon in his otherwise pleading expression and I was happy to see that he still had some of the conscious he once obtained so much of.
About an hour had passed and he wasn’t back. My father received a text message from James, stating that he “was sick on the toilet,” to which my father replied, “TMI.” However, my father had some serious suspicions. My brother, James has been known for being a compulsive liar and a drug addict. He has even stolen from my grandparents. So, knowing this, we got in the car and drove to his friend’s house to see my brother’s car not in the driveway.
Shuffling in my pocket, I found my phone and called him. “James, are you on your way back?”
“Yeah, I’m walking out the door now,” he explained. I knew now for sure that he was lying again. I really thought he was done with this stuff and I wasn’t happy to find out that this was starting all over again. My dad walked up to the door and rang the doorbell while I waited in the car. A younger sibling of Josh answered.
“Hey, was James here?”
“No…” The kid looked confused.
“Well, is Josh here?”
“He hasn’t been here all night.” My father, grinding his teeth, walked back to the car.
This was the last straw. I was pissed. I wanted to punch something, anything! I wanted to kick and scream and yell; but I didn’t of course. Instead, I clenched my fists and breathed heavily, controlling myself. My father and I looked at each other through the dimly lit car, and we knew; we knew this was the day when everything changed. When my father and I got back to my house, James was already there. I knew this was going to be very difficult and emotional so I tried to prepare myself. However, when we got inside the house, I had a hard time bringing it up.
“Hey guys! How was it?” My uncle Robby welcomed us as we walked in.
“Good,” I mumbled as I took off my jacket and hung it up in the closet.
My father sat at the little bar in my kitchen while James and I stood facing him. The tension was thick in the air as my father eyed James and Uncle Robby could sense it.
“James,” my father started after looking at me and knowing that I didn’t know what to say, “where were you tonight? You weren’t at Josh’s house because we drove there and Josh hasn’t even been there all night.” James sighed; he had been caught, and he damn well knew it. “I was at Doby’s house,” he exclaimed.
Doby’s house. Doby’s house. This was not good. Doby is one of James’s old friends from our old town. I never liked that kid for he was always high and even told me that I would be funny high. For one of James’s friends to tell me that I would be funny high is just unacceptable! My brother of course, agreed with me there, but he still hung out with him and he was one of his best friends!
“Why couldn’t you just say that?!” My father spat.
“Because you wouldn’t have let me go!” James flailed his arms, panicking.
“You’re right about that! I’m so f*#&in’ sick of you lying to me! The other day at college when I said that Amber had a conscience and you didn’t is completely true! You had no F*#&in’ RIGHT to get mad at me for saying that!”
“Hey! Adam, we don’t use that kind of language in this house. I know you might talk like that in your house, but this is my house and in my house we don’t use that type of language!” My Uncle Robby informed, getting up out of his seat.
“Sorry,” grumbled my father.
My aunt, who was indulged in a good book, came downstairs to see what was going on. Just by looking at everyone, and by feeling the tension and disappointment that was think in the air, she knew exactly what had happened and sat quietly on the stairs.
My father’s words hung in the air while James slowly absorbed them. I looked at him, his face was so troubled. I wanted to hug him at slap him at the same time. I couldn’t take this anymore! Why was he always doing this? And why now? He was so happy the last couple of months!
Tears welled up in my eyes and my uncle uncle approached me with open arms. I always find hugging my uncle comforting because his big belly makes him feel like a big stuffed bear. But, as they say, when one in need hugs someone, it triggers the tears. And that is exactly what happened.
The amount of pain I suddenly felt was overwhelming and my emotions were so strong. All I could do is sob as my uncle barked at my brother, “You see what you’re doing to this family? Do you see what you’re putting your little sister through? She’s supposed to look up to you!”
“I-I never did!” I choked in my uncle’s arms. And the second I said it, I wish I could have taken it back because that sentence; that one sentence hit James right through the heart. Now he too started to have a steady stream of tears traveling down his face.
“I know! You shouldn’t look up to me! I’m a drug addict and a liar! I’ve been such a bad brother! I…..I’m just like John!” James started backing away and stumbled into a chair.
John is my mother’s brother that I haven’t spoken to in years. He is where my brother and I get our addictive genes. He is a drug addict and lives a very poor life without his only child. His child was taken away from him about two years ago. Sobbing, he couldn’t look at us anymore because he was so guilty. He needed to get away from everyone for everything was tumbling down around him. He was trapped around us and he knew that we wouldn’t let him get away with this. “I- I need to go back to college. I just can’t be here. I have to go.” Aunt Chloe got up from the steps and walked closer to James, causing him to step back more and aunt Chloe took the hint. “You are not going anywhere in the state that you’re in!” She ordered. “I don’t deserve to be here! All you guys want to help me and all I ever do is let you down! I can’t! I just can’t!” James held his hands up, in retreat. “You are going to stay right here!” Aunt Chloe exclaimed. “Well I can’t be here! I don’t deserve your love and kindness! Can I at least take a walk?!” James hollered. “Fine, you can do that. But give me your keys,” Aunt Chloe held out her hand and James reluctantly shoved the keys in her palm. James stumbled out the door in sobs and I turned back to uncle Robby and cried softly into his chest. I didn’t want him to go, but I knew that he couldn’t stay with us either. I wished he would just go into my room or something though, because I was sincerely picturing going to the park to find my brother hanging from a tree with nothing but a note in his pocket. After some time passed, James wasn’t back yet. I opened the door and a gust of wind ran down my spine.
“He’s not back yet.” I worried, looking out into the distance. Aunt Chloe walked over to me and I turned to her. “We have to go see if he’s okay,” I exclaimed.
We got into the car a few minutes later and drove down the street. Instead of finding James hanging from a tree, we found him sitting against one. He inhaled the cancer from his cigarette and exhaled deeply, the smoke almost like the frost one’s breath makes in the dead of winter.
Just as I got out of the car, another car pulled up next to James and his girlfriend walked out of the passenger seat as her mother parked on the side of the road.
Did he really call his girlfriend and asked her to pick him up? Was he really not going to tell us? What did he expect us to do when we came to check up on him to find no one there?
Aunt Chloe was furious, “Get in the car now, James. You are not going with Kate.”
James ignored her as Kate got James up and embraced him in a hug. I walked towards them and James quickly handed Kate something. “This is all I have left,” he mumbled, his voice raspy.
Kate threw what James had given her down the sewer swiftly and came rushing back to him.
“You’re not going with Kate!” Aunt Chloe exclaimed.
“He clearly can’t even look at us Aunt Chloe! How the hell is he supposed to sleep in the same house as us tonight?!” I argued.
“James, your Aunt is right,” Kate’s mom chimed in walking towards us. James was shaking like a Chihuahua. “I- I can’t. I- I can’t,” he kept on repeating. “James, the anxiety is getting to you! You’re going through the phase where you can’t stop shaking! You need to calm down! Trust me I know how it feels!” I said with worry. Kate looked at me morosely. “It’s not anxiety, it’s the drugs.”
After a long and hard battle, Kate and her mom drove away. Sobs from both my brother and his girlfriend echoed in my head.
I hugged James as he shook and my aunt came up to me, “You should walk James back home,” she muttered and then walked back to the car and drove away.
My brother, who was shaking so much it was almost like seizures, walked down the street with me at his side keeping him from falling over. He was wasted; so wasted I was surprised that he could speak. This couldn’t have been from just Ambians, but I tried to convince myself otherwise. He stumbled for words. He was crying still as he tried to tell me something.
“Amber!” he stopped dead in his stacks, tears running down his face. I turned to him, “What, James?” I signed, overwhelmed. “I’m not taking Ambians anymore,” he looked down at the damp graphite illuminated by the occasional street lights that stood in the streets. Finally, after a minute, he looked back up at me, “Amber, I’m a Heroin addict.” I was taken aback. I couldn’t find words to say, all I knew was that I was scared. I was scared that my brother was going to die and if not tonight, soon. He was way too far in and now I feared that he would never get out. I have heard so much about how Heroin kills. “Amber I’m a f*#&ing Heroin addict! There, I said it!”
The rest of the walk was silent for the most part. However, he kept on exclaiming that he couldn’t tell anyone because he couldn’t go to Rehab again. I wasn’t sure why though.
We both just walked down the street with only the stars and the occasional street lights to guide us. I had to steady James the whole walk home because he couldn’t walk. However, when we got to the doorstep, James turned to me. His pupils were so small. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I didn’t think a person’s eyes could even get so tiny!
With his eyelids threatening to consume him into sleep. He put his hand on my shoulder. “Amber,” he exclaimed, “I have spoken to people whose siblings have done Heroin. And either he or she is in jail, nowhere to be found, or dead.” He swallowed hard. “I don’t want that to be you. I want to be the brother you can look up to.”
I took this in slowly. This is really happening to my brother. He is using Heroin. “I don’t want to you die, James.” I held back tears, and to try to lighten things up I said, “Well, not to be selfish… but it’s kind of good that this happened in a way. I mean like, I’m never going to do drugs now!” I laughed and so did he.
“Yeah, Amber… I know. At least some good can come out of this.”
I turned away and opened the door. I quickly helped James upstairs exclaiming, “James is just really tired, I’m going to get him to bed.”
I turned away and opened the door. I quickly helped James upstairs exclaiming, “James is just really tired, I’m going to get him to bed.”
Hey, same Anon that messaged you over the summer. I've been thinking about you and your brother a lot lately, I hope everything's going well. I hope he's doing better than he was last time I saw him. I read that old post from over the summer and I honestly teared up. I'm so happy your aunt and uncle take great care of you, you deserve it. Hope schools going well and glad your happy and safe.
Aw thanks! I truly don’t know how you could find me if you really do know me in person, but I would just like to thank you for caring about me and my family and for not giving out my true identity… (haha I sound like a super hero or something!) anyway.. I would just like to thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
I truly don’t know when I last blogged but I feel as though I have put this off long enough and I’m not sure where to start.
All I know is that I have been having the single best summer I have ever even dreamed of having in my life. I have been going to a travel camp for the summer and I took off a week for an Manga class and another week to go down the shore. I have also been to a convention and have been to NYC twice. Once just to look around and once to go to the Harry Potter Expatiation which was a surprise.
I just feel so blessed, loved, spoiled, and immensely lucky for what I have now. It seems like almost everything I could even think about wanting to happen, happens. I wanted to paint my room, we did it a month later in one day. I wanted a desk, we got one. I wanted a calender and cork board, I got one. And it’s not even the materials that makes me feel spoiled. It’s the love and respect my aunt and uncle have for me. I just can’t even explain how grateful I am. Every morning I get a large breakfast, every night I get a large dinner. I am being taken care of in such an immensely different way than my mom ever did that sometimes it just hits me. I just….. I don’t know.
I mean… ever since I moved in I have gotten new glasses, seen the dentist, got braces, a room I have only been dreaming of, a place to feel safe from drama, a love, hope, laughter, but most of all, two parent figures that have done nothing but love and care and encourage me to do the things I love. And this is all… it’s all…. I don’t know.
P.S. I do have some drama to tell but for now I will just leave you with a happy blog (finally).
Hey I'm the anon that left you that message. I just wanted to let you know I actually do know you, and you know me. I'm not part of your family or anything so don't worry.
But I have known you for about 4 years, and you are growing up in to an amazingly smart, strong and beautiful girl. Don't let all the (excuse my language) bullshit, get in the way of your transformation. Honestly just take all of this as fuel to do well in school (I know so cliche) and be able to pick a college in Alaska or California so you can start your real life. One that's not surrounded by adult drama that you didn't cause. And please keep remembering this- YOU DID NOT CAUSE ANY OF THIS. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
Stay strong A. Keep writing.
I know you? I really don’t tell anyone about this blog! Hm… Well could you text me who you are if you don’t mind my asking? Either way you are such a kind person and your words really help. Thank you so much.
I am beyond happy that you are writing. When my life was in the place yours is in words were all I had and they helped me through a lot.
Keep writing. Keep breathing. Everything is going to be okay eventually and you'll be a stronger person because of it.
Oh, and yes, your mom is crazy. Don't feel bad saying it. After everything she put you and your brother though you should feel no guilt expressing that. Stay strong A.
Omg…. you just made my day. Thank you so much for your enspiring words! It makes me feel so amazing when I write and I can’t believe people are actually reading my life. If you ever need to talk… I’ll be here for you. I know I don’t know you and you don’t know me but we could still talk about our problems… lol XD I just wish I could help so many people when they go through shit like this… Thanks again and thanks for proving my point about my mom :) lol <333
I can’t understand my mom anymore. She just called my aunt that my brother lives with and she was cursing her out because my brother wouldn’t drive her to court tomorrow. My aunt told my brother that he can only drive my mom to court if my mom could provide gas money. My mom then accused my aunt of keeping her away from her child.
My mom then called me but I didn’t answer. After many trial and error calls to my phone, she called my house number. She then told me that if I don’t live with her when she finds a place to live then she would move to Alabama and start a new life with her mom. I told my mom that she could no longer put anymore guilt on me because I am not her mom and she has to deal with her own problems. Now I know that sounds bitchy but it’s true. All my life she has put guilt on me causing me to worry about her problems but what I didn’t realize is that I am a child and I cannot help my mom. I cannot get a job to help her pay the bills and she should not blame my brother when she lost her house. My brother was in rehab when she stopped paying the rent because he was recovering from drug addiction. My brother should not have to pay my mother’s rent.
During this conversation she started to mention things about hanging herself but then quickly said that it was an expression. For my mom this is not an expression. My mom has been threatening me with killing herself for far too long. IF my mom ever actually killed herself, I would believe that it was my fault. My mom doesn’t understand that I cannot always care about her. I have problems of my own and my mom yelling at me because I don’t want to live with her when she just lost her house, job, and car is not okay. She doesn’t understand why I don’t want to live with her and she doesn’t see the mistakes she has made.
Before she hung up the phone she was talking to me like she was saying goodbye forever. She said that she hoped that I would come back to her someday and that it was okay if I though that she was insane. She explained that she loved me but that she could not take her kids betraying her anymore.
Everyone has a secret they haven't shared. Everyone has a past no one's heard about. Everyone has talents that people don't notice. Everyone has weaknesses hidden inside. Everyone has a story left untold, so never start judging someone thinking you know them back to front. Because the truth is, you probably don't.
Hey guys! So lately, things have been slowing down in the drama department but everything is still at top speed in the stress department.
So as you know I’m now living at my aunt’s house. Everyday my dad or my aunt drives me to my school so I can finish off the year. I really appreciate that because it is a 45 min. ride from my house to my school…
I’m settling in quite well but there are a lot of changes that I have to get used to. First, I barley have any “me-time” which usually means “computer-time” but anyway I guess that’s okay. I feel more productive now because I’m more active and less couch potato-ish… (lol) Also, I am focusing a lot more on my school work and and getting tutored four times a week in Math (and a little Spanish). Which is good, don’t get me wrong, but it is hard to all take in.
I just came from a mom who lost her trailer and never helped me with my homework and didn’t even know what was going on in my school life but is very happy when I get a C; to an aunt who knows all of my teachers’ names and knows about tests before I know them and makes plans for me to get tutored and says that C grades are bad.
My mom also is very…..lazy. There I said it; my mom is lazy. She goes to work, helps kids in school as a teacher aid (which is hard, yes), microwaves dinner or makes pasta and then watches TV for the rest of the night. I love her to death, I really do, but she is the complete opposite of aunt “Chloe”.
My aunt Chloe is always moving and never slows down. She is very used to taking care of herself and my uncle that when I start to help her cook she is shocked and gets excited. She also is a big morning person, she sings in the morning! LOL Everyday we have plans and today I got new glasses that I have been needing for about two years! :D
But I still have the stress. My mom went in for surgery today… I don’t know the full story about why but I will fill you guys in as soon as I find out. She also is living at her friend’s house which is good. But this year I had the worst mother’s day. My mom is going mad. I’m sorry… but she kinda is. She believes with every fiber of her being that my whole dad’s side of the family wants to ruin her life. I know I have said this before… but it just keeps on getting worse and worse… I just don’t know what to say about it anymore…
But anyway…. other than all of that, I’m hanging in there. :)
Stay strong, girl. You have great people who care about you and who want the best for you. Before you know it, you'll be old enough to live on your own (or with anyone for that matter) and the pain will subside to a more bearable amount. I imagine how hard it is for you to deal with such terrible things on a day to day basis at such a young age. My parents may not be divorced but the shit that has gone on within my family resembles A LOT of what happens within yours. I miss you lots and if you ever need someone to just vent to, I'm here.
Wow… You just made my day. Thank you. I truly apreciate your support (excuse the spelling). And i’m sorry about your life too. We can vent to each other if we need to. Thank you again :)
I haven’t bloged in a couple of weeks because I have been waiting. I have been waiting to find out where I am going to live.
About 3 weeks ago I found out that my mom was going to be evicted from our trailer. My family has known about this for about a month before anyone told me. My mom said she didn’t trust me enough to tell me that we were going to be evicted! My brother had to tell me the day we had to start to pack!
That day I went over to sleep at my aunt’s house (let’s call her Aunt Chloe). I couldn’t stay at the trailer with all of those boxes everywhere… it was too depressing. I knew that I wanted to live at Aunt Chloe’s house until my mom could find a place instead of a friend’s house or apartment so I brought all of my boxes there.
About a week later I send a letter to the judge saying how I wanted to live at my Aunt Chloe’s house until my mom got her feet on the ground. I also mentioned in the letter about going over to my dad’s house. (I’m not allowed to go there because of the molestation that happened in that house). I read this letter to both my mom and my dad. All I had to do now was wait and see what would happen.
On Friday May 6, I had to miss my standardize testing in school to go to court. After waiting for about 2 and a half hours I went to go talk to the judge. She said that she read my letter and asked if I would feel uncomfortable if I was in the same house as my step brother. I hate my step brother now, it’s true. How could you like someone that molested your own brother? But I still love my step sister, my step mom, my dad, and my dogs! And I will not let my step brother get in the way of that!
Later on that day it became official that my Aunt Chloe now has residential custody of me! This was a good thing for me because now I can have a home! I can also go to my dad’s house as long as my dad is there! I cannot sleepover his house though… and I expected that.
But yes, my mom is still crazy and she still thinks that my dad’s side of the family is still trying to ruin her life. And yes, she still thinks that when my aunt buys me shoes it is not just to be nice but it really is to use it against my mom in court. She also blamed loosing her house on my father. He didn’t pay a lot of the child’s support but she still has responsibilities. I mean, a week before I was told that I was going to be evicted, and she knew about it, she bought me a $70 purse that I didn’t want her to buy because it was too expensive.
A couple weeks ago I missed my step sister a lot. So I called her and asked if she could chat. She said she was going to the mall soon and I asked if I could come. She said sure, and to ask my mom. (She didn’t think my mom would say yes though because she told me.) My mom and I have been fighting a lot lately…. a LOT. So I was thinking that it would be great be hang out with my sis and get away from the stress. Mom was in the bathroom at the time when I asked her but of course she said no. She said that it was her weekend and that I had to be with her. Then she got into the whole “I’m not going to let your step mom and your step sister do this to be anymore. I’m not going to be walked all over” or something like that. Then she even said that my step sister knew she would say no and did this just to make me think she is crazy and turn me against her. She said that my step mom and my step sister try to turn me against her and that they wake up everyday and think how to do that <—- exaggeration but you get the idea.
Anyway so by this time we were both screaming and cursing at one another and so I started putting my shoes and jacket on because I knew that I was going to walk to my brother’s friend’s house (my step sister’s ex that I have known since I was in 4th grade) because he told me that when ever I am stressed or just can’t take it anymore to call him to or come over. Mom was saying that I wasn’t going anywhere and if I left she would call the cops. I stormed out anyway and she screamed about calling the cops and I screamed that I was taking a walk. I had to be back in 10 min. or she would call them.
At this point I was sobbing uncontrollably whilst calling my brother’s best friend (let’s call him john) to tell him I was coming over and to ask him if it was okay. He said it was fine. Not wanting the police to get involved, I texted mom telling her I was going to John’s. When I arrived at his house I told him the story and he agreed that my mom is crazy….. (lol) And of course…. Mom came over to John’s. She came downstairs and told me to get in the car. I promptly said no and we went back and forth like that for a little. I explained that I needed to get away from the stress and talk to John about my stress, she didn’t listen. Again, I walk out sobbing. We scream and yell on the way home and I end up getting out of the car and walking up the street again when we park at my house. Not knowing what to do, I sit on the sidewalk and sob loudly, not caring what the neighbors think whilst mom drives up to me and tells me that she is calling the cops and that my step sister (let’s call her Mellisa) did this to me. She doesn’t understand that I need to get away from the stress and she won’t listen to me! John sends me a text telling me to ask mom “If John can come over my house instead.” I ask and surprisingly, she said fine but she says she is going to drive to the police station anyway. When I’m back inside, I try to stop crying…. it works a little. John comes in and we talk about what happened for a little. But luckily, he brought Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood (video game) and we play it to calm me down…..It worked. Mom and I haven’t really talked about what happened that day…… but we still fight A LOT.
Hey guys… I’m sorry I haven’t blogged….. things have just been pretty tough and I just couldn’t bring myself to it.
It has been 8 months since my last blog…. I’ll just summarize the last few months…..
On Christmas day I was told that my step brother had been molesting my brother from the age 9 to about age 15.
The day before he told us this it was Christmas Eve and he though it would be a good idea to take 3 ambien pills (these pills were in a large quantity). He said he needed a ciggarette and 15 min. later he was still outside….. in the freezing cold… My mom and I went to check up on him and he was passed out on the porch-swing. He woke up…. kind of. It took both of us to get him inside and on the bed, he was too out of it to walk. We called 911 and about 5 men took him in an abulance along with many volunteers and two cops. I was sobbing at this point…. having to see him like that…. it was terrible.
So anyway he had the whole drink-charcoal-and-stay-for-a-week thing…. it was pretty hard getting up the next day and going to my Christmas tree and remembering what happened the night before…. If I had a list of all of the worst holidays in my life… that would be #1.
Now everyone is trying to take custody of me and I on’t know where I want to live. One of my Aunts wants me but I think she just wants a child. She is 50 and could never have kids (she did too many drugs.) She made everything sound so amazing if I lived there and then when I was complaining about my mom (because ya know, I’m a teen and my mom annoys me) she later called DYFS and told them everything I said about my mom except made everything sound 300 times worse! So then this huge fight went down in my car ‘cuz my aunt and mom were screaming at each other and cursing and shit and then mom got super pissed at me and took my phone and laptop away because she though that I was say how much of a “terrible, un-fit mother she is.” She would make a nice dinner and say to me “Is that what an un-fit mother would do?” Then she would do that with everything like the laundry and stuff.
The next day my mom made an emergency tharepist app. with my therapist. My mom got all insane and stuff and started to cry, she told me that I am going to have a restraining order against my step sister and my step mom (whom I both love to death) and then I started to sob as well. Then that lasted for a while and then mom said that should would have killed herself if she had a gun the day before. You don’t say that to a therapist. My therapist then called the cops and they brought her to the hospital. After she said that she would have killed herself, my therapist brought me into another room while they tried to calm down my mom. (I could hear her from the other room screaming and crying.) So then dad picked me up and then we went to my other aunt’s and then everyone was talking to me about what happened…… they repeatedly asked me where I wanted to live… and I DON’T KNOW.
Man, if you just read all of that…. you are awesome… because that was hard to write…
I couldn’t even type yesterday because I was really depressed. I can do it now, so here I go. My parents are divorced, and they CAN NOT get over it. They do not stop bad mouthing each other. If I even mention my dad, BAM!!! she’s off like a bomb. It’s over… With my dad…it’s WAY WAY worse. I don’t even have to mention her. He is off like a bomb. I can’t have one convo when he doesn’t talk about her… Grrr.
Anyway, now that you know the background info, I was at my therapist’s office (yes, i have a therapist) and she was talking to my mom about trying to not talk about my dad so much and keep it between them two. Though every time she said that, my mom is the exact opposite. Yes, she started to talk about him EVEN MORE. Ugh so anyway, we left and then my mom was going to drop me off at my dad’s because “Mellissa” (my step-sister) has a chorus concert and I was going. There was A LOT of traffic, and we called my step-mom and said that we would be late. We tried to take back routes but it wasn’t working.
So somehow my mom got into this huge thing and said “We need to talk” and pulled the car over. AGAIN, she was talking about my dad. I told her to stop and OF COURSE she didn’t, by this time we were driving again. She kept on going and going and going. I started crying. She kept on talking. I started sobbing, screaming at her to shut up. I told her that i couldn’t take it anymore… finally, she stopped. We pulled up at our house (I was not going to my “Mellisa’s” concert anymore) and she parked the car and went inside the house. I tried to calm down and staied in the car to do so. I needed to be alone. I took out my camera to watch a video of my dog at my dad’s house to cheer me up. I saw out of the corner of my eye my mom was watching me from her window like a creeper.
She ran outside and opened the door, snatching the camera out of my hand. “I don’t know what you’re doing, but get your ass into the house!” She told me.
She looked straight at my face, saw all of the make-up running down my cheeks, saw my eyes, with tears, and told me to get my ass in the house again.
"I was just watching a video of my dog!" I yelled
"I don’t believe it,"
I showed her the video. I walked inside, and went into my room. I got on my laptop and tried to calm down. She checked up on me almost every freakin’ five min. to see if i was bad mouthing her.
Later she tried to make up with me. I am still EXTREAMLY pissed off at her, but what ever, I excepted her apology.
I can’t write down what I feel right now. All I can say is that I need to get the fuck out of here. I am sobbing, my family is screwed up, my mom is a bitch, and no one will shut the fuck up. I will write more when I can type.
Well my friend “Jess” told “Jamie’s” dad about her cutting and her dad got PISSED. So Jess called me up and was sobbing because she thought that Jamie would not be her friend anymore. I knew that she would come back to us though. Then Jamie called me and was sobbing also, she wanted me to lie to everyone saying that she ran though a stickerbush and got cut. I did not accept and then she got mad and me and said that we were no longer friends.
She eventualy got over that and stop cutting. We are all friends now and everything is all good.
I hate drama.
Glad it’s over….for now.
Humans. So fragile, delicate… Could so easly be hurt. A knife, razor, anything sharp. And when one is depressed; they can use them. My friend “Jamie” is one of those people. I fear for her desperately and I am not sure what to do. She is cutting. Not her rists…,she stoped that before I knew, her arms. Oh god, they look bad. I am not sure how bad they are, I have only seen this one person do this, so I can’t really tell, but I know it can’t be good at all. I was going to go to the counselor today, I even told “Joe”, but she was arguing with Jamie and Joe told her that “we where going to get her to stop” when she asked, “Oh yea, you and what army?” Joe would not tell her it was me, so she thretend that she was going to kill herself if he did not say anything, so he told. Then she confronted me and I told her that she needed help. She said that she could get suspended, but I knew it was not true. I was going to tell, untill she said that she was going to cut even more if I told, she said it would cause more stress. I started crying, and finally I agreed. I wouldn’t tell.
Later that day I told this all to my step sister, “Mellissa” and she told me that if she got help then she wouldn’t cut. She told me to tell, she said that I am too young to help, besides tell an adult. I agreed. Now, on Monday, I will tell the counselor. I will post more soon. Wish me luck, for both of us.
I had my friend sleepover on Friday and Saturday this weekend. Both of those days I accidently fell asleep and forgot to take my Zoloft. On sunday I was so used to not taking it I forgot again. Bad idea. I am now having random anxiety attacks for no reason. I CAN’T do this again. It was so bad. I was getting so much better! But without the Zoloft I’m back to my old self and back to the anxiety. I know it doesn’t make sence to have an anxiety attack over nothing but that is just how the anxiety is. It SUCKS. fml (for now [sorry I had to say it])
Hey guys! I haven’t posted in a while so here i go! Not much is going on right now. My step sister “Melissa” has a new boyfriend! She has been dating him for i think…. 10 days now. They reeaalllyyy like each other and I hope they stay for a while.
I also have lately been video editing more. I use the program Adobe After Effects and have been using a green screen to shoot some videos. It is a lot of fun! :D
ALSO! I know it was fast but…. i don’t really like “Joe” anymore. He is just getting annoying and he always messes up my hair on purpose even if I tell him to stop. Ugh boys. Oh! And the other day he came up from behind me and put his arm around the front of my next and like really hurt me when it was supposed to be just play choking… I mean we are still friends but I just don’t have those feelings anymore. And that is a good thing because she is “Jamie’s.”
My grandpa is in a rehab center right now because he just had open heart surgery. I am glad he is okay. He had clogged arterys. I love my grandpa with all of my heart. He is the best grandpa any girl could ask for. The weird part is that my grandma was in the same hospital as my grandpa at the same time! I don’t know all of the details but she was like out of breath or something and they rushed her to the hospital. At one point my grandma got wheeled down to my grandpa’s room and they where holding hands! They are still in love. It’s so cute! <3 My grandma is now home and alright!
So today I’m going to tell you about my crush. And since this is all anonymous i will call him “joe”. Joe is my only guy friend because he is not a perv, he is sooo nice and he is unique and he thinks it’s cool that I am too. I reealllyy like him. So I told him because my friend “Jessica” said that he liked me. Turns out, she was right. He said he liked me! I was soooo happy! But then he did not ask me out or anything.. So it was like torching me! And I think he was nervous about this so for some reason he thought it would be a good idea to just poke me all the time. So I was like… ok. But he got mad at me because he expected me to poke him back EVERY TIME he poked me. So he told “Jess” that he did not like me anymore…..????? And now he likes MY OTHER BEST FRIEND who in fact likes him too. So i knew how much it was torturing her that he did not ask her out so I wrote him a not saying “You know I like you. And you know that “Jamie” (fake name) likes you too. However, I think you should choose the one you really want and go for her.” I knew that he would pick her so i expected it. So now they are dating. I am verryyy sad but I would rather them be happy them me being happy. :/
Before I was trapped in my own world; of endless fears. A cloud raining down only on me. Though, with hard work and dedication…I finally blew away the clouds and stepped out into the real world. The wonderful place we call home. I took over those fears and found myself under them. There was a strong person inside of me waiting to burst out. She is not fully out yet, but with time and hard work she will shine like the sun behind those horrid clouds. I am almost out.
^If you don’t understand that^ it is because I have not said anything about my fears. I have a lot of anxiety and fears. I have fears of loud noises, sleepovers, or doing something i haven’t done before. Just about everything I get nervous about. But I am taking this medicine called Zolof and I have counseling and it has helped me SO MUCH that I feel almost like me again.